Wednesday, March 24, 2010
It Can't Be...Yet It Is
i guess...i should just go into a permanent state of depression or something now. just saw, on facebook, sammy's in a relationship. i don't know who yet. do i really want to? i'm afraid i'll want to strangle that person. but i can't stand not knowing. all my efforts. in the end, i really didn't have the courage for it. i just can't believe it. i've benn assuring and reassuring myself that this wouldn't happen, that when i finally found the "right time" to ask, it would still be on time. but it isn't. he's gone from me already. last time, something similar happened, and it turned out just to be a joke or something. but now, i'm not sure. at least, i don't think it's a joke. i feel so monotoned now. what should i do? i don't even know if i really like him or not. am i just trying to hold onto something that's stayed the same over the past three years? i'm losing it. i've been asking myself that questions for days and weeks, all blending into months. the agonizing pain it brought me in the darkness. now it's all the sharper. i can't think. this is just a joke isn't it? and yet, it can't be. so it's true. i'll find out tomorrow. then, i will know for sure. i try to imagine my reaction, but my mind, usually so vivid, is just dressed in blurry lines of black and white. how could this happen now? i was going to ask him next week, so i wouldn't mess up during state science olympiad competitions. but now it's too late. who am i kidding? i probably would have found yet another reason not to confess. wouldn't i? i can't stand this anymore. realization is fully sinking in now, the pain before was nothing, the shame before wasn't there, there was no before, there's only now. this moment. this pain. but whatever right? it's not like i'll ever see him again. i'm going to campbell right? and he's going to pope. we'll probably never get into the same college. the chances are extremely slim that i'll ever meet him anywhere again. unless it's on purpose. this is a blessing in disguise right? it's a chance for me to fully sever my heart from my old life and be ready to start anew at campbell. but i can't help it. i really wanted to go out with him. even if only for a month. even had he refused me i would still have been happier than this if only i could have asked. then i wouldn't feel as though i could have done something though i really probably couldn't. i shouldn't give in to this sinking feeling. this spiraling pit of despair. but i can't hold on anymore. anywhere seems better than here right now.