Thursday, April 22, 2010

Same Old, Same Old...

these days, i've been feeling slightly depressionalist. life just seems so monotoned, and i must confess that for perhaps a year now i've had no interest in my own life but rather only of books and any good manga that i happened to have been reading. pouring over the characters and plot of these stories often interested me more than my own life did. i even began trying to match my life to another story, for a long while forcing myself to believe in wishes and magik. allowing my true life to become interlinked with some daydream that i created, refusing at times to get up from bed in order to stay in the world of dreams slightly longer, risking my own health in order to stay up late and read and read and create fantasy worlds of my own. it was around this time that i truly started trying to catch sammy. in fact, i used all methods known, showering him with candy (...), talking to him more (are we even "just friends" YET???), and changing my personality multiple times (from sullen to cheerful and pessimist to sunny and flowery), obviously, none of this ever worked, causing more harm than help and causing me to spiral further into this confession that i am writing now. i started listening to popular music, to fit in with the "in" crowd. trying all the drastic situations i read about in manga and trying to maintain hope that i was in fact making progress when there were of course no signs at all. telling myself that a miracle would happen, allowing my grades to dip and pursue him fully, thinking that life would all be just a walk in the park and that we were "meant to be". taking any trace of friendship or conversation to be a sign that things were starting to work out, that everything would have a happy ending in the end.

obviously, noting ever worked out, no miracles happened, and i was left much worse off than when i started. true, i started in sixth grade, trying to become friends with yvette by sharing a mutual interest in something. but then i fell to addiction as she stepped away, into the clean, pure world that i had left behind. as my life fell to pieces and i realized new lies, i found that though i had always thought myself a strong will, it was in fact nothing against its biggest enemy, like a newborn against zeus. i could will myself to do nothing, to stop nothing, my own mind had become poisoned, a prison that chained my body. i could neither stop reading manga or sleep earlier. in time, even my passion for books faded, only manga sustained me. this does not mean that i ever let my grades drop below an "A" average in any class, but the will to fight was gone, i no longer competed with classmates, never challenged myself if possible, life was an absolute torture. i was aware of all this, all the wrongness and harm to myself and only myself, but i couldn't stop. but then as my grades continued to drop, i turned to a new comfort, food. i'm not FAT, yet at least... but i have uncomfortably gained maybe five pounds in the past year and no longer am a slim figure perfect for the world of ballet, the one place where i really fit in with the rest.

i say i try to resist the temptations of food and manga, and sometimes i do. but more often than no i would rather release myself to my longings and punish myself another time.

but the world is different to me now, a new wind has blown in and joined the mix. by going to this new high school where i know absolutely no one, i have lied and lied about my one true reason that really pushed me into going. i am ashamed that it is so. but i cannot deny the truth. the truth is that i need to start over my life, build new friendships and new study habits, new ways of thinking and new ways of living. having this goal afore me inspires and pushes me to new heights. for all to see here, i admit everything...

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