Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Where is my life going?

So. For the past few weeks/months that I've been MIA from this blog, my time has been filled with episode after episode of Korean dramas. My three favorites from this time period are You're Beautiful, Will It Snow for Christmas, and Secret Garden. While these have all been immensely satisfying, I cannot help but find myself thinking that it's time for a shift in lifestyle. I mean, an entire year of high school has already almost passed me by, and yet here I am, still at the same point in life. I feel as though I'm wasting the hours that I pour into school since I'm obviously not dedicating myself to long term memorization, instead choosing to cram before tests and immediately forget all the information. I also feel as though I need to gain some control over my own actions. For weeks now, nay, months now, I have been pressuring myself to lay off the snacks and food when I only desire them but feel no real hunger. However, each and every time I feel a craving, I continuously come up with a lopsided excuse that sounds false even to my own ears. I tell myself that it is only just one time, or that my day has been absolutely horrendous. When I look back on any week though, it is almost certain that I can find that every other day I have mindlessly crunched on snacks, always with the same excuses. This is not only probably ruining my health, but also wasting more of my already crammed time. I know I should practice violin more often than twice a week, but every time I'm always "too tired" or "not in the mood" saying "I'll do it later". Perhaps I might have more practice hours in if not for the simple fact that I lack the willpower to make myself do even the simplest of any action that requires movement. At this precise moment, I should be practicing violin as I promised myself. Instead I am sitting in front of my laptop again blogging, chatting, and otherwise procrastinating until there is no more time left in this day to practice. The same occurs with a frightening frequency among my school subjects. As I am on a block schedule right now, that means I don't have French or math this semester. Before I forget everything that I've learned, I need to review and practice. When faced with this realization, I always back away from the dilemma and wait to confront it in the future no matter how much more difficult it will be to deal with it then. Just today at school I took the National French Exam. Having had months of advanced notice, I should have started studying long before, even if I still had French this semester. By now you can probably guess the result. Only aware of my present emotions, I procrastinated until yesterday, when I finally realized that there was some inescapable serious studying awaiting me. Earlier this year, my mom was trying to teach me programming. I was an interested enough student, but only enough so long as there was someone to teach it to me. My mom soon feel sick after beginning to teach me and so naturally the lessons were dropped. The books and other material though, were still available for me to learn individually at any moment of my discretion. But I never felt enough cause to pursue programming by myself even though I longed to master the language of computers. For here you see, is the problem at the heart of all my problems. There is never enough willpower in my to force myself to do anything. Much as I rationalize and reason with myself, more often than not it is only a futile struggle within my head. A struggle that most always concludes with a weak decision to do better in the future. But the future is constantly becoming the present, and as the present comes, my dilemma is only ever repeated, never to be broken until I finally muster enough want to sustain my ideal for more than a few days at a time.

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