Starvation

I just found out that my ballet friends all keep themselves on diets. No wonder they're all slightly skinnier than me. I feel kinda good now that I don't diet and can still maintain my body, but a small part of me that wants to become like them has just found new reason for me to diet as well. If they're all doing it, then won't it be okay for me as well? I know, I know, that's exactly the kind of situation that teachers teach us to avoid at school. "Peer pressure is bad" "Just say no" etc... But even though I know I should do as we were taught, when the situation is real instead of on paper, there seems so much more reason to ignore the teachings and jump on the bandwagon. I'm obviously not going to diet, but that small part of me looks on in hunger for the perfect bodies of my classmates. And we all know how great my will power is, so I suppose the conclusion is once again, we'll just have to wait and see.

Steam

I could rant on and on forever about two of my teachers, who are complete idiots. And I have never called any of my teachers anything bad even if they are just awful, so you can tell that these two are just exceptionally horrible. Mrs. Stewart teaches Magnet Biology when she's really incompetent even for on-level biology classes and Mr. Bagley is our replacement AP Human Geography teacher after the old one had to leave. He hasn't taught this class in 30 years and he talks more on tangents than the actual subject! We talked about PICKLES for HALF AN HOUR in class yesterday. Ugh. Usually I would just deal with it, but the AP exam is in May and we are still on chapter 6 out of 14!!! I want to shake some sense into him but he just keeps on going in his old southern drawl "Ooohh, don't worry about. We'll get there when we get there. Don't worry, that's my job ain't it?". I seriously could right a bahjillion about their faults and idiocy, but I don't want to come off as an extremely hateful person. In fact, I don't even care about Mrs. Stewart's shortcomings, it's really just the AP Exam that has me falling into nervous breakdowns. So what I really wanted to do is just come here and at least express my extreme dislike of their personalities and teaching methods so that I don't lose my sanity. A little piece of me is going to die by the time I finish their classes...

Progress..or maybe not

I decided that I at least have to try. Since writing something down always makes me feel like it becomes set in stone, I made a little notepad while at school yesterday. I'll start writing down the things that I really really need to do each and every day. So far, it's kinda working. That's both assuring and unassuring right now. Since it's working at all, I guess that might be a possible cause for jubilation. But then again, if it's only the second day and it's only kinda working, then what does that say about the future? It seems the only way to know anything for certain is just to watch as it occurs. Even if the notepad fails though, which I'm quite optimistically hoping won't happen, at least I've made some attempt. Maybe the next time I try will be with a more successful idea. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Where is my life going?

So. For the past few weeks/months that I've been MIA from this blog, my time has been filled with episode after episode of Korean dramas. My three favorites from this time period are You're Beautiful, Will It Snow for Christmas, and Secret Garden. While these have all been immensely satisfying, I cannot help but find myself thinking that it's time for a shift in lifestyle. I mean, an entire year of high school has already almost passed me by, and yet here I am, still at the same point in life. I feel as though I'm wasting the hours that I pour into school since I'm obviously not dedicating myself to long term memorization, instead choosing to cram before tests and immediately forget all the information. I also feel as though I need to gain some control over my own actions. For weeks now, nay, months now, I have been pressuring myself to lay off the snacks and food when I only desire them but feel no real hunger. However, each and every time I feel a craving, I continuously come up with a lopsided excuse that sounds false even to my own ears. I tell myself that it is only just one time, or that my day has been absolutely horrendous. When I look back on any week though, it is almost certain that I can find that every other day I have mindlessly crunched on snacks, always with the same excuses. This is not only probably ruining my health, but also wasting more of my already crammed time. I know I should practice violin more often than twice a week, but every time I'm always "too tired" or "not in the mood" saying "I'll do it later". Perhaps I might have more practice hours in if not for the simple fact that I lack the willpower to make myself do even the simplest of any action that requires movement. At this precise moment, I should be practicing violin as I promised myself. Instead I am sitting in front of my laptop again blogging, chatting, and otherwise procrastinating until there is no more time left in this day to practice. The same occurs with a frightening frequency among my school subjects. As I am on a block schedule right now, that means I don't have French or math this semester. Before I forget everything that I've learned, I need to review and practice. When faced with this realization, I always back away from the dilemma and wait to confront it in the future no matter how much more difficult it will be to deal with it then. Just today at school I took the National French Exam. Having had months of advanced notice, I should have started studying long before, even if I still had French this semester. By now you can probably guess the result. Only aware of my present emotions, I procrastinated until yesterday, when I finally realized that there was some inescapable serious studying awaiting me. Earlier this year, my mom was trying to teach me programming. I was an interested enough student, but only enough so long as there was someone to teach it to me. My mom soon feel sick after beginning to teach me and so naturally the lessons were dropped. The books and other material though, were still available for me to learn individually at any moment of my discretion. But I never felt enough cause to pursue programming by myself even though I longed to master the language of computers. For here you see, is the problem at the heart of all my problems. There is never enough willpower in my to force myself to do anything. Much as I rationalize and reason with myself, more often than not it is only a futile struggle within my head. A struggle that most always concludes with a weak decision to do better in the future. But the future is constantly becoming the present, and as the present comes, my dilemma is only ever repeated, never to be broken until I finally muster enough want to sustain my ideal for more than a few days at a time.

How Do Salmon Jump the Waterfall?

I've always wondered about that. But my mishaps/adventures yesterday really made me think some more. So yesterday, for Labor Day, we and a lot of other families went up to Jones Bridge park or something and had a little picnic. Anyways, we were all playing in this shallow looking seemingly calm river. At first we stayed right on the bank. But then me, Ben, and this other kid (Peigy or something? O.o) decided to cross to the opposite bank (actually, they had already crossed once, they just invited me for the second time). So of course the water couldn't be shallow or even calm, the rocks were all submerged and slimy so one had to aim for the mossy steps. Obviously, being the dancer I am, I managed to keep my balance for about two seconds before crashing down again every time. Halfway across the river Ben finally told me the hard points but left some out to just tell me RIGHT BEFORE we got to them.
Then a lot of other stuff happened and we reached the other side. They each got a stick. And we all forgot about going to the bridge and so went right on back cause apparently the tide was rising. Something else they also forgot to tell me? Going back is about twice as hard. and for someone like me who found keeping from getting washed away the first time already beyond my skills, this was definitely not a piece of cake. So then a whole lot of stuff later which I don't really feel like elaborating on right now later Peigy (?) lost his balance during this really difficult part because he dropped his stick while jumping and tried reaching for it. Been grabbed it and was waving it towards Peigy (cause he was floating away) and he grabbed on. But then almost immediately dropped it again because his shoe was floating away. So swimming after his shoe, I watched in absolute horror cause I quite seriously thought he was going to die. Bobbing along for several agonizing seconds, he finally grabbed hold of some moss and hauled himself onto a rock. Ben yelled to meet us at another rock and so we went our separate ways-me with Ben (thankfully) and Peigy by himself (the poor child). Then after a little progress we were almost almost there, and as I watched Peigy he launched himself back into the river, this time for his other shoe. All that's needed to know is that he survived and we all made it dripping and freezing wet to the shore where I promptly proceeded to accidentally sunburn. That's the long and short of it in a nutshell and now if you'll excuse I must get some sleep. (Or maybe go watch Boys Before Flowers~).

Drama~

I've found my heaven~
Okay okay, I'm just joking. But it is heaven for me right now, and I am in utter bliss. Dramas are the new definition of my life and I am in love.

**EDIT
10/21/10
Wow, I saved this post as a draft and then just completely forgot about it until now. Well, the moment's kinda over, but I still need to tell the empty audience of mine that I fell head-over-heels in love with the drama Boys Before Flowers. It was highly amazingly and there's anyone out there, you should definitely go and watch it right this moment.

Oh Wow.

School's started for a while now... There's so much I want to say, but no one to say it too. Starting over at a new school is really just taxing for a non-social student life me. I don't know anyone, and I think it'll be a long while until I will. But who would understand me? Not my parents, as far as their concerned I'm fine and school will always be the same. I feel desolate...abandoned, no one's there for me except for this blog... And this blog, can it ever talk to me? help me? encourage me? I'm thinking no. But this isn't what I came on to talk about, not to complain. I came to rejoice, but now even the little in my life that I can control has gone wrong. I'll come back later today in a better mood.