Everything I've Belived In, Gone In A Flash

i...lived for him...some could say.
now he's gone,
away in the arms of some other smiling and laughing girl.
probably popular, pretty,
and smart, too.
i've been left behind,
just a shell of my former glory.

he was never mine,
but i had always lived in he hope that someday,
when i finally gathered enough courage to,
that he would say yes.
but now even that hope is gone.
what is there left to do?

It Can't Be...Yet It Is

i guess...i should just go into a permanent state of depression or something now. just saw, on facebook, sammy's in a relationship. i don't know who yet. do i really want to? i'm afraid i'll want to strangle that person. but i can't stand not knowing. all my efforts. in the end, i really didn't have the courage for it. i just can't believe it. i've benn assuring and reassuring myself that this wouldn't happen, that when i finally found the "right time" to ask, it would still be on time. but it isn't. he's gone from me already. last time, something similar happened, and it turned out just to be a joke or something. but now, i'm not sure. at least, i don't think it's a joke. i feel so monotoned now. what should i do? i don't even know if i really like him or not. am i just trying to hold onto something that's stayed the same over the past three years? i'm losing it. i've been asking myself that questions for days and weeks, all blending into months. the agonizing pain it brought me in the darkness. now it's all the sharper. i can't think. this is just a joke isn't it? and yet, it can't be. so it's true. i'll find out tomorrow. then, i will know for sure. i try to imagine my reaction, but my mind, usually so vivid, is just dressed in blurry lines of black and white. how could this happen now? i was going to ask him next week, so i wouldn't mess up during state science olympiad competitions. but now it's too late. who am i kidding? i probably would have found yet another reason not to confess. wouldn't i? i can't stand this anymore. realization is fully sinking in now, the pain before was nothing, the shame before wasn't there, there was no before, there's only now. this moment. this pain. but whatever right? it's not like i'll ever see him again. i'm going to campbell right? and he's going to pope. we'll probably never get into the same college. the chances are extremely slim that i'll ever meet him anywhere again. unless it's on purpose. this is a blessing in disguise right? it's a chance for me to fully sever my heart from my old life and be ready to start anew at campbell. but i can't help it. i really wanted to go out with him. even if only for a month. even had he refused me i would still have been happier than this if only i could have asked. then i wouldn't feel as though i could have done something though i really probably couldn't. i shouldn't give in to this sinking feeling. this spiraling pit of despair. but i can't hold on anymore. anywhere seems better than here right now.

Is There No One We Can Belive? Must We Always Live In Secrecy? Why???

...

...

...

...why...do i always place my trust in the wrong people? yuanhan, i can't believe i trusted him for a second...just because i helped him get together with his current girlfriend...why did i think for even one second that he would keep a secret of mine...?

...

*sigh*

...

i'll never learn will i??

here's what happened...or rather...a shortened version of it all...

*ahem*

yuanhan needed to get together with his "unofficial" girlfriend and make it "official", so since her birthday was coming up, i helped him decide what kind of gift to give her. i then also helped chose the actual necklace. and help him get enough swagbucks money to trade in for some amazon giftcards before it was to late to buy anything for her birthday. this all worked out perfectly, they got together, she loved the necklace.

i was feeling really lonely at that time, lovesick i guess from helping him out so much. i really needed to confess, but i wasn't able to, and i wanted someone in my grade that knew who i liked, maybe even help me plot to get him, the same way i helped yuanhan. at that time, the only person i had ever told about my interests was this seventh grader, vanessa (i'll likely start calling her vanilla later on, just so you know, it's my nickname for my bestest friend (= ). so i told yuanhan, everything, about sammy. at first he kept quiet, but then...he struck. now that i think back to it, it was just like the calm before the storm. before i knew it, he was always gesturing subtly towards sammy, the more people there, the more ostentatiously he gestured. always mocking me, hoping sammy and everyone else would hear. sometimes i could subdue he shouts, reminding him of how i had helped, but later, it'd just be back to how it was before...except worse. even at the Wheeler orientation, he saw sammy in the crowds, and sitting in the middle of all our friends he began calling over to me "oh look, sharon, it's SAMMY (particularly choseing to shout his name). sammy LOPEZ. oh my sharon, aren't you excited? it's SAMMY LOPEZ" with each mention of his name, a shout out towards sammy's direction. and this was in the middle of all my friends, matt, wenhan, my parents, adam, adam's parents, wenhan's parents, EVERYONE, even nathan...i kept it from nathan, cause he's been saying he likes me for two years now, i don't wanna break his heart or have him hate me, no...i want to keep my friends. but that entire tour, yuanhan kept popping up "have you seen sammy yet? HMMM??". even today at lunch, he seemed in a bad mood. this was confirmed when he started talking about sammy again, not even trying to disguise the mocker deep in his voice, that scornful hatred brewing in his eyes...i'm sick of all this, i hope my friends, however impossible it may be, haven't heard what he's been saying. i especially hope sammy hasn't heard...i wish...i had never trusted him...

if the time ever comes...i want to be the one confessing to him, i don't need anyone else telling him either "for my own good" or just to ruin my life...

no...i will do it...

if the time comes...

no

when the time comes...

Mon Cherie o.o

NOOOO!!! my brother just used the eraser on my favorite pencil T.T yes, that eraser, on that pencil, the very same two that i was blogging about a couple whiles ago. i probably wouldn't mind so much except that as much as i try HE WILL NOT APOLOGIZE TO ME ABOUT IT, apparently, he doesn't see why he needs to apologize for an eraser... BUT IT'S THAT ERASE, THE ONE THAT SAMMY "ACCIDENTALLY" USED AND MADE A CONCAVE DENT IN. so not only did sammy use this pencil and eraser...the dent actually looked really cool...

...and not only that...but now the pencil looks ugly...ish...

And So The Shot Is Fired...

yep, my mom just decided that i'm definitely going to go to Campbell. i can't really say that i'm very disappointed about this turn of events. i mean... the IB program there isn't really bad, there's only one thing that i actually dislike. I'll have no friends there. but otherwise, i'm pretty happy about going there. like, the english and social studies classes are really way better than wheelers. i'll probably be able to start my life again like i've always wanted. i won't have to act anymore to keep my friends, i can finally make new ones that'll accept me for me. only problem with that picture, we'll all live too far away to actually be my concept of friends. but if i actually can pull this off, then i'll figure something out.

apparently all the guys there are movie star look-alikes. that's a definite plus. but sadly, apparently the girls there are angels too... ah well, if i have at least one friend, then i promise myself that i will focus wholeheartedly on my school studies and ballet while working on my health issues (not really serious... i'm the only one who thinks i have them)

despite telling my friends i really don't want to go. i really don't care. not don't care in a don't care way, but rather don't care in and indecisive way. but maybe somewhere in my heart, i've always wanted this chance... okay, fine, i know that somewhere in my heart i've always wanted and needed this chance no matter how much i've been denying myself.

i guess...this may possibly be the best thing my life right now that could be happening. of course, all great things come with equal risks, so it could also possibly be the worst thing that could happen. but whatever happens, i've made up my mind. i guess...

we'll just have to wait and see...

Wheeler Wildcats...

Why is there...this cold feeling in my chest? It...feels as though it were only an empty void of nothingness...

I have not fulfilled anything today. I neither saw him, joined his group, or convinced my mom. Even after I(unsuspectingly) arranged for my mom to be convinced by the Wheeler Magnet directer, she still holds firm to her decision of Campbell. Though she does seem to be slightly more lenient towards Wheeler now. However, before it was Wheeler that was out of the question, now it's Walton. Only two more days are left until the forms are due Friday. Just how many times can she change her mind in two little days? I guess I'll just have to wait and see and hope for the best.

The orientation today was much more amusing than the one at Campbell on Monday, but this was only because all my friends were there. Everyone of them(Wenhan, Yuanhan, Nathan, Matt) have already decided to go there, with the exception of Adam, but his dad is also heavily leaning towards Wheeler Magnet because of my mom's influence(I'm sorry Adam >.<"). I love all the science programs there... but they didn't even show us any examples of the other subjects. Apparently, my mom said that I made a good lasting impression on the Magnet director person. I guess that'll be a good thing...

On the plus side of all this...Sammy's probably going to Wheeler, too. This is influencing my decisions way more than I realize -.-"

BusyBusyBusy

Today was, ehm, please look up,very busy. It's that day where everything on your schedule comes together in order to torture you. I went to half of ballet(or at least until 6:45, I skipped modern), then went to festival(our orchestra CRCT thingy), while missing the Walton high school orientation(go Raiders). As if that weren't enough...of course Yuanhan had to go and be a jerk today about everything i said(like usual).

At school, I let Sammy borrow my favorite pencil(I'm a pencil freak, it was this really pretty blue one that's shorter than the average mechanical pencil with white engraved stripes around the lower half and a line(err, circle) of yellow electrical tape surrounding the topmost half. But since Sammy was pencil-less(apparently someone else took his pencil) of course I let him use my epic favorite pencil. When he gave it back to me in language arts, part of the eraser was gone... and get this, the missing part was in a concave shape... is that even possible? I don't know whether to be happy or sad about this incident -.-" what a doofus I am. I lent a pencil two times today to two different people even though I only had one to start with =D.

Hmm, I was going to say something else, but it would appear that i forgot -.-" ... sorry peps,maybe next time.

Campbell IB Program

I just recently like seven minutes ago got back from the Campbell IB Program high school orientation thingy =D

Apparently, yes, the school itself is a disaster, weird ceiling paintings, white lockers, low ceilings, dim lights, dirty-ish bathrooms, etc.. BUT, the new building that they erected is pretty decent, the walls and stuff are the same, but the lockers are blue there. Also, it's the math and economics building, so I feel pretty good there.

Of course, the main thing I noticed wasn't only those weird little details and random stuff that only I noticed. No, of course I also noticed THE PEOPLE.Especially these two cute guys there X3. Haha, sorry, just had to say that... Anyways, there was this one guy, I was following him in around the fourth(and last)group I joined(long story short, we got lost...). He was really cute and was definitely going so that may or may not influence my decision just a little... Yeah. He looked kinda like that TV person in The Suite Life of Zack and Cody, I think it was the lifeguard guy, Lance? Yeah, that one. Apparently he likes football(no I do not stalk him...at least not yet...we'll see once I decide if I'm going to Campbell after all.) and that's all I overheard him saying under his breath.

Then... there was this other guy, he just looked really cute... I was with him in my first group, art, but sadly then I "got lost" and joined a couple other groups >.<"

o.o oh yeah... can't believe I forgot to count this one... actually, I might know why... Anyways. There was this Junior (guess he's Senior next year -.-), and he was like, hot. From where I was seated, he looked just like Logan Lerman. Yes, that Logan Lerman, the one playing as Percy Jackson. Obviously, he's a little too high up in the grades for me to reach, but, always nice to be able to look up to and mmon over someone unreachable XD. Ahhh... also almost forgot to mention this--he has a girfriend(at least I think)!!! I'll just leave leave them to their supposed happiness X3.

err, I'm kinda out of time now, but I was so engrossed in mentioning all the good stuff, I completely forgot to mention the bad things I thought about the people. But just know this, the people weren't like actually bad or anything(or at least not the IB students that I met), it's more of a racial prejudice inherited from spending too much time in my mom's company >.<" sorry you peoples out there.

Anyways...

So far, it would seem that I really do like Campbell, and I am thinking of going, for personal reasons as well as the obvious-to get a better education and enter a good college, and... for those three guys that I met X3. I hope the two almost Freshmens will actually go!!!

BUT. I guess nothing is really certain until I go to the other high schools orientations and see for myself what I really want to do with my life -.-".

Ugh, with the forms due this Friday, I'm really losing some seriously needed sleep over this "little" issue of mine...

Circles, Radii, and...PI!!!

yay^^ it's really late at night right now, but i just had to come on and say:

HAPPY PI DAY!!!

ahh, much better now =D hope all you out there had a nice day full of circularly delectables, like...cake, cookies, or maybe PIE XD yummy^^

Lucky 13

For the world out there, here's a shout to his joy.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY SAMMY!!! I LOVE YOU =D

Hey world, he's turning fourteen today, so let's all wish him a happy birthday and a lucky rest of the year^^.

That's all I wanted to say right now, but happy birthday to all of you put there that also celebrate today^^. And if you're also turning fourteen, then double the luck wished upon you XD.

Just Can't Last Long Enough

title says all...for those not understanding i may or may not explain more tomorrow depending on how i feel. but if you read any of my recent posts at all, in particular yesterday's, then you really probably should know -.-

And So Only Hope Remained...Tiny Wings Aflutter...

YESYESYES!!!!!yesyesyesyesyes XDDDDD. I could keep on exclaiming forever and ever, on and on. But my time here is short and so I will explain everything i can.

For once in my life I finally took a risk that came out with good outcomes. =D i saw that my crushes friend was on, but I didn't know this person very well, and so started (or at least tried to) try some small talk. But it became quickly obvious that it wasn't working. I almost gave up but then just rushed it. Asking him if my Nazi (yes, i call him my German Nazi, long story short, my friend started it cause he blond hair blue eyes but yeah...) was going out with anyone. No. Trying more awkward small talk. Didn't work that time either. Finally blurted out if he knew of anyone that the Nazi liked. NO. YESYESYESYES!!!!!! I'm filled to the point of bursting with joy and happiness, for the first time since summer of last year I feel like I'll actually have a chance with him. =D

And of course since I'm so delightedly happy right now I won't even think of the fact that he is probably going to a different high school that than me. Seeing as the chances are extremely low of him deciding to go to Wheeler Magnet and then me convincing my mom to let me go, too. But since I'm just so very happy right now, I won't think about all of this just yet. I mean, I still have about two months to figure out how to either get him to ask me out or ask him to the school dance in May. My chances? Not very high admittedly. But like I said, I'm really happy right now, so I'll just put off those thoughts of despair for later.

sosososo happppyyyyyyy^^

Lost

my fate has been sealed. today i got back what my teachers recommended me to take at Walton next year. joy...my math teacher put me in enriched math, the second highest possible level. of course, that means my science course wen t down a level too. apparently, she wants me to get a really high GPA so she's trying make me go to Campbell, which has a GPA of 6.o for A's in the first three years. senior year it's raised to 7.0, scary, right? this is because Campbell is an IB school, not even just a regular magnet school. but then sometimes she decides that maybe going to Wheeler (magnet) would be better after (sorry >.<" she's extremely prejudiced toward most blacks...).

...

yeah...

anyways...life sucks, "believe it"

Questions...

With the passing of everyday, every minute, even every second, that special day is rapidly approaching. And I still have no idea what to give. Might it be better in the end just to give nothing at all? Or would that just make him think I don't like him anymore? Second question, does he even know I like him? I really hope so. But the most important question is, does he even care that I like him? With questions like these, it's a wonder we're not all insane yet.

If only the answer was within our grasp...but as others would say "where would the fun in that be?"...

Like A River Flowing. Ever Changing. Why?

on friday one of my very good friends went to school here in the US for very possibly the last time. today,, another of my friends held a farewell party for her before she left for japan. i cryed and begged my mom but of course it did no good, seeing as the party would have clashed with my violin lesson. though i'm sure my mom means well, sometimes i really have to question her decisions alotalot...on friday, i missed my ride to ballet because i was busy coping that friend's email down onto my hand, of course, as fate would have it, that was all for nothing. i would love to email her right now, but considering my luck, it's only natural that it rubbed off during ballet before i could copy it down onto something sturdier like paper. this wasted effort combined with the sadness of missing my friend's goodbye party is really stabbing a knife deep into my heart. already i'm missing her, even though it's only been two...not not even two...days. yes, i am listening to another chinese song, why, you ask? i don't really now, but apparently it helps me gather my thoughts and calm down. lol...

Not This Way. I Can't. I Won't.

I was eating dinner, and something seemed just horribly WRONG. I sit in my suburban house, with our suburban house, with my normal family, eating a nondescript dinner. I don’t want to live my life like this. I love my parents, but I don’t want to be them when I grow up. I feel odd. I feel WRONG, like my existence is a threat to the sanity of the world.

I don’t DO anything. Humans weren’t meant to LIVE like this. Sitting, loafing, WASTING AWAY on a couch, scrambling the internet, waiting for food to be handed to you on a silver platter. I’ve got to do something, something that matters, somethingsomethingsomething!!!!Ineedtogetout, live, be a human BEING, not a human SITTING. It’s partly society’s fault, but also mine for listening to society.

I need to get out of this cruel, claustrophobic world.

-the above was actually a post from a friend of mine's blog, reading it, i felt like i had to share it with my fellow views (of course, that basically just includes me, mself, and i, but ah well...anyways, this is an amazing interpretation of my veiw on life sometimes, something i've always felt but never been able to express in words. thank you afrocat for sharing this with me though you may never realize it, but should you or nyone else for that matter ever happen to stumble upon this site of a delusional little 13 year old then here it is. thank you again for putting into words what i've always thought.) =D

le Examen

lol, no it's not a french test on a sunday
it's actually my chinese final exam for chinese school, which is held on sundays
so now i'm really trying to divide my time between the exam tomorrow and studying for math, science, and georgia studies in actual school....
and to top all of that off, we also have this stupid georgia studies project all about the civil war
and then since wednesdays the last day of this nine weeks, i also have to figure out how to bring my latin grade up from an 88 -.-"
and of course, with my busy schedule of ballet and school and whatnot, i will never find time to go watch Alice in Wonderland T.T (came out yesterday, for those unknowing...)
and of course, even if i did find time, my mom would never let me go, saying "you've watched too many movies in such a short time, no more movies" (sadly, Avatar and The Lightning Thief were the only two movies i've seen in like five years, it's not my fault that they were both so close together)
lol, whatever, i'll just figure ut a way around, maybe an arranged kidnapping from one of my friends or something =D

His Special Day

yes, his birthday is coming up soon, very soon in fact. there's only less than a week and it'll hit. last year, he was completely free, and so i got him a pack of pencils, since he was always asking me for them. but this year however, i don't even know if he's taken or not. if he was, then wouldn't it be too bold for me to do anything other than say happy birthday? and if i did give him something, then he would be obligated to accept it and then maybe i'll have even less of a chance to be even just friends. but really, what practical item would the average lacrosse playing boy of 14 want for his b-day from 'just a friend"? and not even a close one at that:(

happiness

YES! i know it's kinda late at night, but i was just talking with a friend, reading some blogs, listening to awesome chinese music =D, and like, thinking back to the past^^
but now i've come up with a conclusion that i am deetermined to follow at least whenever i remember no matter how depressed or tired i may be feeling-FROM NOW ON NO MATTER WHAT I MAY BE FEELING I SHALL ALWAYS PUT ON A HAPPY FACE AND BEE HAPPY FOR MY FRIENDS NO LONGER WILL I ALLOW MY FRIENDS TO BE DEPRIVED OF THEIR TIME AND JOY BECAUSE OF ME FROM NOW ON I WILL ONLY ADD TO IT ALL.
okay, there^^ feel so much better already, and i really like this song XD
okay, maybe it is a little sad, but for some reason sad songs always help me relax and feel happier
well, i have school tomorrow so night ~.~

lol

lol, i've only just remembered that i even had a blog when my friend mentioned hers. i'd say that i'll try blogging more, but then i'll probably just forget and look bad XD.
school was pretty bad this week, we've had sooo many tests and quizzes this week and now i have a 88 in latin and it's probably impossible to bring it back up. and then on top of all that, the guy i've liked for almost three years now is really starting to look as if he's going out with this girl. i can't even seem to manage a brief conversation with him anymore, she hangs around him so much, and the rest of the time, he's surrounded by his friends. guess i should just give up. i mean, turns out he got accepted into wheeler magnet, but is probably going to pope high because they're better at lacrosse. if he went to wheeler, then i (dumb fool that i am) would probably follow him there, just cause that certain girl is also designated for walton high like me. but since he isn't, then maybe i'll go to walton too, i mean, i really do want to, it's just that my mom might make me go to wheeler just cause it's a magnet school...yeah...
well, done rating for today, let's move on to a happier subject^^
i would said this earlier, but since this is as early as i can manage, yay for apolo eight!!!! i really hope he's back for the winter olympics four years later in russia. but i really don't think it was far how apolo and celski were disqualified, but sadly, i'm done ranting for now so, ja na^^ byebye